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Got a lot done on my project over the last couple days! I'm gonna cheese when it all comes together. It's in the VERY rough stages right now, but I think I have the mechanics figured out.
I had the best sleep I've had in awhile yesterday. I went to bed at like... 11? and woke up at 7 and I felt great. Oh shit, just realized I might've fucked myself out of good sleep. I gotta go to bed now if I don't want to feel like shit tommorrow. Goodnight, internet!
It's really comforting to see that there's other people who feel the same isolation I do. Which, is weird when I think about it. It's only confirmation that this is a prevalent problem among young people and that's pretty depressing. I guess it's comforting because it lets me know I'm not the only one going through this, nor do I have it the worst. Check out this page if you have some time and like reading. I've only read the first and the last entry so far. I liked how the improvement in his writing is evident, but his writing style remains very distinct. He'll never see this, but on the offchance he does, I'd like you to know there's someone from somewhere far away rooting for you!
What am I gonna do with myself? I don't know. I'm to tired to figure it out right now. My eyes are barely even doing their job. I'll redesign this page and prolly the index too soon. Goodnight.
This is gonna get heavy, so turn back now if you're not able to handle that. Warning for mentions of suicide.
I feel so alone. I'm so frustrated with my friends. They're not at fault, though. It's my own problem that I'm so needy. I don't have very many friends, and the ones that I do have have barriers to hang out. Why is the world like this? Is it testing me? Challenging me to find a way around this? Or is this the way it wants it to be, the way it's supposed to be? Or is life just a collective of all the choices we make? I don't want to spend my life in my room when the world has so much to offer. At least I think it does? I don't know, which is another level of frustrating because how the hell am I supposed to solve my problems if I don't know anything? I wish my friends would put in a little more effort. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I care about them. Maybe I haven't been a friend worth caring about. I don't know anything except that I want to be out there living my life before it's gone. I know I have a long way to go, but I still can't bear to have life pass me by.
I guess maybe it's a response to my mom's death. It's been a year and four months since. Her passing was a startling awakening to the fact that I don't get to live forever, my life will come to an end one day. I guess it was better that her life ending was her own choice rather than death taking her. If a disease or some other thing out of her control was her end, my anxiety definitely would've been worse than it already is. Is it selfish that I'm only talking about her death in relation to how it made me feel? I mean, I didn't exactly love her. She was emotionally absent from my life, so I never bonded with her. I feel guilty because she loved me, but she should've put in effort into our relationship. I, a child, wasn't responsible for cultivating that relationship. I couldn't of even known to do so.
I wish I knew if I was doing something wrong. I could ask my friends and be direct like you're supposed to, but then it feels like it makes my relationships awkward and clinical. Plus, it exposes how insecure I am, which is really difficult to do when you're a man. Or maybe that's all in my head, I have no idea. I have to take action if I want the problem solved. How do I reach out to people I'm not already friends with? Where do I go? What do I say? If I'm being honest, that's what I've been trying to do here- reach out to people. Not to much success, though. I'm just screaming out into the void. Plus, I think real life relationships would be more fulfilling if I found the right people.
This situation I'm in is my own fault. I've made friends with loads of different people, the problem is the upkeep of those relationships. When I'm not in the same place as those people anymore and there's new people in front of me, I put all my effort into the people in front of me. Then, if the new people turn out to be a bust, I have no one to turn to. Well, at least I know now. I wish relationships weren't such a fucking hassle. They shouldn't be a hassle. I guess that's what happens in the breakdown of community, though. I wish this summer would be over already and I could go back to school and back to being around people.
Feeling pretty disillusioned with life, per usual. Today, I didn't want to do a damn thing- not even things I'd typically enjoy. I didn't want to be here. I wanted nothing to do with myself or my life.
I've been watching Dexter, which I've really enjoyed so far. Though, I know I'm using it as a substitute for the daily social interaction I need.
I relate Dex in the way he experiences other people. I, too, feel this distance between myself and other people. I, too, am always trying to mimic others' behavior in order to be percieved as natural. I, too, have crafted a mask that nearly passes for normal. Unlike him, I do not have murderous urges and I do care about and like being around other people. His diagnosis of the issue is that he is not human. My understanding is that I am too human.
Dexter isn't as emotionless as he says he is. I think what he's trying to describe is his attitude of apathy towards things other people generally care about. That is something I also understand.
He describes his social mask and his "true" self as two separate entites, as many others do, which I find very interesting. Yes, the performance I put on for others is different from the way I act by myself, but at my core, there lies the same essence. The same wants, needs, wishes, experiences- simply expressed differently in different contexts.
Redid this page! The color scheme is pretty different from the index which is not ideal, but I still like it anyways. I think what I'll do is have every row of entries be a different kind of object- in some abstract relation to my overall feelings in said entries.
Today started out pretty shitty, but I hung out with friends and had a good time. We were at the park and there were some little kids who started hanging out with us. Honestly, they're not so bad. It's so cool finally being older and one of the "big kids". I have some social anxiety, especially around people my age, and it's so refreshing to be around people I'm not worried about impressing. Anxiety, at least for me, stems from insecurity.
I don't know how to approach this issue. I could work on improving my confidence, or I could just learn to accept my shortcomings and not let them bother me; realize that I don't really need these traits and try to find my value somewhere else. I think human life has inherent value and has no need to prove that it has value any further, but I want to prove it. I want to be extra-ordinary.
I know that's a pretty common desire, but I still feel embarrassed to admit it. I'm a deeply competitive individual, I want to be the best. The fact that this desire has been left neglected has completely decimated my self-esteem. I'm angry that I wasn't provided with the opportunity to nuture my skills until recently, but the fact that it was so delayed gave me a lot of perspective, which I'm grateful for. Even though I've experienced a lot of loss, I still get hit hard when I lose. It's a motivator to do better, but it's also kicking my already beaten self-esteem to the curb.
Sometimes it feels like my self-esteem won't be able to get back on it's feet again, but it always does even if there's a new scar to show for it. Life is hard, man. There's always something wrong, something that could be better. I think that's a good thing as much as it is a bad thing. It gives us something to do and areas of interest like goals. Being bored with life is deadly. When I say bored, I don't mean the lack of things to do (but that's part of it), I mean the lack of interest in life.
I need to redesign this page so badly, it's too barebones. Not tonight, but sometime soon.
The problem with trying to balance my asocial hobbies and my social life is that my hobbies really eat time away. While I do love creating things, I hate that the creation process uses up so much time I could be spending outside of my room. Ideally, I'd be doing stuff with people all the time.
I feel pretty pathetic airing out how lonely I am on the internet, but what else can I do? While I do have a couple good friends, I don't feel like I'm an important part of their social circle. That could just be my insecurities talking, though. I'd like to be important to someone. I mean, I'm important to my dad, but that's because I'm his blood. Not that I don't appreaciate his care, because I do. I love my dad. I just... want to feel like I have something valuable to offer other than blood.
Is it wrong to use other people to validate yourself? When it's phrased like that it sounds wrong, but I don't feel like it's wrong. I think it's normal. We need each other. Our species is so interdependent and we don't even realize it. We depend on each other for every single aspect of our lives. So, it's beneficial to our survival to seek acceptance and approval from others. Our brains then reward us with happiness when succeed in being accepted and to motivate us to repeat that behavior. That's my theory, at least. I have no qualifications in anything, so take it with the whole bottle of salt. Plus, this explaination is so devoid of anything that makes us human. None of the experience of interacting with others is captured by it.
Completely redid the index page and I like it a lot more now. I'll probably redo this one too, but I dont know what I want the theme to be. Something similar enough to index page not to break the theme, but different enough to keep it interesting.
Actually... did stuff today, and voila! I didn't feel as much like shit as I usually do. Vitamin D does wonders.
Spotify's algorithm is pretty garbage, and I'm getting bored with what I already have liked. Someone, PLEASE reccommend me music... I'm willing to give any genre a try.
Fleshing out my OCs' world. It doesn't have a name, but I think it'll come organically; the best things do. I'll probably write something about it. If you're interested, it's not there yet- BUT IT WILL BE! You'll probably have to keep checking up on "more from me" on the index page. That's where I'll put all my projects I'm not posting on social media.
FIGURED OUT THIS COOL DROPDOWN ANIMATION! YAY.. slowly but surely, I'm figuring this out. Felt pretty bad the last few days, but I'm feeling better now. Anyways, some fanart I did for another artist did numbers- which, is what I expected. I'm proud it did, but I know it's only because that artist shared it on their story. It's kind of bumming me out that my original stuff gets no reach.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't care so much about the numbers!" I hear you say (or my projection of what I think someone might say), it's not necessarily the numbers I care about, it's the people seeing it. I want to gather people who are interested in the same things I am. I feel pretty alienated from every other community, online and physical, so I figured I'd try to build my own.
I shouldn't expect it to be built overnight, I know. I've just been lonely for a long time and am trying to fill a void. I don't even know what the best way to reach out to other people is. I'm willing to try a whole bunch of things. I guess the first step is to define my target- but the thing is I'm not looking for anyone specific! Just anyone who is interested in what I have to say and show. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not interesting enough? I don't know.
MY LORD. Finally finished the index page. There's still a lot of issues, but it's nicer than it was before. I'll renovate it as I become more familiar with html css. It's SO much trial and error- which is fun, but it takes a ridiculous amount of time. I feel like I should be doing something else with my time, but I enjoy this. It's not wasted time if you spent it having fun. At least, that's what I tell myself.
I was watching a youtube video by Joe Scott earlier today, I don't think I finished the video but he said something that got me thinking. He was talking about how children now have grown up with a device always within reach and find no value in education of old because they have all the information they could ever possibly want to know in their hand. As someone who was a precusor to the ipad baby, he's right that the internet has become an integral part of children's lives, but I know from my own experience that there are many answers that only living through life can give you. Don't get me wrong, the internet can be a wonderful place, but as with everything, moderation is key.
My goal as of the last couple years is to take my life back from the internet, which is difficult in a world that is increasingly online. It's ironic, too, seeing that I'm posting this on the internet. The trick the internet uses to make you come back to it is having no where physical to share what you need to share. Like a manipulative lover, it takes away your space so it can give you its own. I've fallen into a depression. I'd like to lead a life I can say I truly did live. Spending my days alone in my room on the internet is not living, merely surviving.
Chances are slim, but, if someone whose feeling something similar sees this, make me a promise. Please, say hello to strangers, join a club, go out to a bar, something. I promise to do the same.